I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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