bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
