dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Randomize
