Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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