I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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