Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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