Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I am puke
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
