MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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