Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
