If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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