Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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