...so i touched it.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Randomize
