I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
