1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
