Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
