oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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