I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
