fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
