First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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