My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
now i know why i became what i already was.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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