that's an acceptable place to lick
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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