if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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