So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
