i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
