we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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