How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
