I'm going to rape someone's good day.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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