if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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