alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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