highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
