Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
