i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
