That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
