There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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