your parents love me but you hate me
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
