I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
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