I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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