Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.