OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
im holly from the hills drunk
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.