I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
