I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
