How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
