my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
