we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
