well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
