1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
