when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
