So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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