I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
