i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
