Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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