Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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