I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Randomize
