Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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