Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Randomize
