ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Randomize
