I haven't been this sober since birth.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
